Sex, ’90s-style
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
A cabbie named Barry told me a few weeks ago that the great downfall
of my columns was the lack of sex in them. I was, he explained with
tongue in cheek, gravely failing the public.
Well, Barry, I can't have that; so, this one's for you. And make the
most of it: my prim girls’ school upbringing precludes any further
mention of the subject. Well, that and the fact my partner has
banned me from writing about it on threat of melting my Malteser
stash, then snap-freezing it until it re-emerges like goopy doggy-do
with marbles in it. (I know when I'm beaten.)
Let's see now ... sex in the '90s is about rippling abs and summer
fun on the beach and throwing a big plastic ball around.
No, wait. That's the Coke ad.
Okay, sex, according to Hollywood, which, as we all know, is based
solely on reality, takes place very regularly. It is especially
prevalent when (a) your name is Bond, James Bond, (b) when lava
flows threaten to overrun your city, or (c) when you're the blonde, perky,
single-mum scientist assigned the task of saving the planet because,
naturally, of all the moments in life, that's when a woman is
obviously thinking:
“By God, that grunty muscle-bound passerby conveniently armed with a machine gun is a bit of a studmuffin. Once I complete my calculations for arming this thermonuclear warhead and pointing it at that asteroid, I think I'll work out whether my desk could feasibly support two bodies.”
Based on the highly complex Hollywood formula, also known as FTMWF
(Fulfilling The Male Writers’ Fantasies), men in particular have sex a
lot - at least once an hour. That is unless they're balding, overweight,
in urgent need of a back wax (or at least a very good comb) ... in which case, it's every few minutes.
In these Joe Pesci/Bob Hoskins/Danny DeVito sort of cases, the woman
is, ideally, so young that one wonders if her parents know she's out
on a school night, and so stunning that you immediately think: “Gee,
of course, of all the people in the world she could be with, she
naturally gravitated to the smart-mouthed, cigar-chomping, father
figure with more spare tyres than a Northern Territory roadtrain.”
Of course, sex didn't always used to be like this. I hear that
decent people used not to have it. Or, if they did, they had the decency
not to enjoy it.
I know this, thanks to a pastor's wife back in 1894. In David
Angwin's book, The 3 Minute Commitment, the author dredged up this gem from 1894’s Bridal News. It was called “Advice on the wedding night”:
“The bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first
time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let
me concede one shocking truth: Some young women actually anticipate
the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure.
“One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE
LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM AND ABOVE ALL GIVE GRUDGINGLY. (The pastor's
wife's capitalisation.) Otherwise, what could have been a proper
marriage, could become an orgy of sensual lust. On the other hand,
the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting
and at worst rather painful, it has to be endured.”
And saying no was not an option, it seemed:
“It is useless in most cases for the bride to prevail upon the
groom to forgo the sexual initiation. The ideal husband would be the one
who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the
purpose of begetting offspring. Such nobility and unselfishness cannot be
expected from the average man.
“Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The
wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first months of marriage. As time goes by, she should
make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness
and headaches are among a wife's best friends in this matter. By their
tenth anniversary, many wives have managed to complete the ultimate
goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband.''
And so there you go, Barry. More than you ever wanted to know about
sex.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 03 AUG
1999.