New twist to dodging chores
By
Sheryl-Lee Kerr
All housework is dangerous, in a soul-destroying sort of way. In
fact, household products should really come with warnings, like: “The
makers of this product cannot be held liable should the user
suddenly pummel their chest in an agitated manner while crying ‘I don't care
if this supercharged, turbo-powered, vacu-vessel does suck up bowling
balls. It deserves to die, die, die’.”
(I don't have anything against bowling balls, incidentally, but I do think that of all the things the house contains, a bowling ball is the last thing that needs a good vacuum. Besides, it has to be clean by now.)
Anyway, these psychological dangers of housework will come as no
surprise to that canny group of males who have made it their life's
mission to badly botch up any housework foisted upon them, just so
their other halves (or three-quarters, in this case) will wrest it
from them in exasperation.
I am not just saying this. My own father took great delight in how
many ways he could destroy boiled eggs (there are 17 distinct
varieties, in case you're wondering - and that's excluding the
blow-torch method on the grounds no other sane person would
seriously consider it as a method for heating water).
He could burn a shirt on the lowest, non-steam iron setting.
He would mix coloreds with whites and allow green paper napkins through washes at such regular intervals that no one in our family ever knew exactly what actual white apparel looked like.
When we saw pure white out in public, it was like discovering a new color: “Look, Mum, see that man's strange shirt? It's like it's gloooowing.”
Dad was, in essence, a grand master in his housework-evasion
tactics.
Now, lest I offend the 27 men in the universe who do an exactly equal
share of housework in the home, if not more (and that includes
sharing toilet-cleaning duty, lads), I wish to state that, for once, my
sweeping generalisations are not entirely unsubstantiated.
A recent study into housework by the University of Queensland found
none of the men surveyed did more domestic chores than the women.
And they couldn't use work as an excuse, either: “Men's working hours
did have an effect on the amount of time they spent on domestic work but
that did not explain everything because you've got men who work
fewer hours and do very little work around the house,” a study expert
concluded.
Frankly, these men have the right idea. Seriously. They are dodging this work for good reason. Personally, I swear my IQ drops a few points each time I find myself with toilet brush in hand and up to an armpit in an S-bend.
My only solution in saving myself from permanent brain injury is to do cleaning as little as possible - as a self-preservation technique only, you understand. The more people who dodge the cleaning bullet, the more likely we can make unkempt homes a “chic lifestyle choice”.
Housework, unlike whatever planet Janette Howard lives on, is not
relaxing. So, fellow houseworkers, avoid it now and save your
precious brain cells.
Then declare your house an avant-garde fashion statement.
Works for me.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 20 April
1999.