By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
[Consumer Health Warning: This column is not
recommended for dieters
or chocoholics, as it may cause
uncontrollable salivation and an
inexplicable urge to mash one's nose against
a Haigh's display
window.]
The white-coat boffins have done it again: the world is now a better
place, thanks to ... chocolate patches.
The British-made Diet Scent patch is designed to help us overcome
chocolate cravings. The idea is that during a choc attack, one sniffs
the patch and the urge passes.
I, for one, shall be ordering two gross.
No, seriously.
For chocolate patches to work on me, I'd have to use about 100 at a time,
until I ran out of skin. Even then, there'd be no guarantees.
What amuses me most about this research is hearing of the initial
failures.
It seems medical students were asked to sniff a chocolate wrapper
whenever they craved chocolate - but the students ate the chocolate
instead. The researcher decreed this just proved: “You can't trust
medical students.”
Actually, I would have thought giving people chocolate wrappers to
sniff with the chocolate still in them would rank as one of science's
most monumentally naive moments.
Of course, it was a bloke who planned that experiment. Poor chap - not
enough chocolate on the brain to understand.
Allow me to explain:
It is a little-known fact that the typical woman's brain comprises 5
per cent intuition, 5 per cent true grit, 10 per cent intelligence and
80 per cent solid chocolate.
The typical male brain, in contrast, is 5 per cent macho, 10 per cent
intelligence (although, in some, that's 5 per cent intelligence, 5 per
cent beer), 4 per cent true grit, 1 per cent bathroom humor, 10 per
cent sex pick-up lines, 70 per cent sports and/or vehicular trivia
storage space.
I believe this particular piece of breakthrough brain research was
carried out by a group of bored Lithuanian scientists during a long
weekend after the pizza ran out.
It may not be too scientific but there was a mighty important
imperative uncovered here: women do have chocolate on the brain.
One gym trainer I know, Sharni, consumes a 250g block of choc every
day, to the terror of clients and colleagues alike. Her sudden,
exuberant, hyper change afterwards is akin to Jim Carrey ricocheting
off walls and corridors in The Mask.
Last time I stopped by, the other gym trainers were considering
putting up warning signs reading: “Please Don't Feed Sharni
Chocolate. We cannot be held responsible for the consequences.''
Of course, not everyone responds to chocolate in the same way. Take
your typical bloke. He feels hungry. He buys chocolate. He eats it. He
feels less hungry.
That's the entire extent of his relationship with chocolate.
But to many women, chocolate is like a big hug from the inside out.
It's warm, sweet and wonderful, making them feel utterly loved. It's
so incredibly sensual, it's right up there with . . .
Hey, how did it get so darn hot in here?
Well, I must dash. I suddenly seem to have an urgent date with a
Haigh's window.
The Advertiser, Edition 2 - Metro TUE 17 JUN 1997, Page
024