Join the real world, superheroes
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
BATMAN, a challenged grocery stock clerk who rides a bicycle?
Superman, a ‘50s nerd who wakes up with an S tattooed on his chest after a bender and winds up in prison? Wonder Woman, a B-grade McCarthy-era film actress with an ‘‘unAmerican’’ Communist boyfriend?
Dang, if comics aren’t what they used to be.
I read, in a story from The Washington Post, that a DC Comics series
called Realworlds is soon to be offering a gritty reality-based alternative
for fans of our superheroes.
‘‘The story we wind up telling is all about personal freedom,’’
Realworlds’ Wonder Woman writer Allan Neuwirth says. ‘‘Not much has changed when you think about it.’’
Well, except for the bit about their jobs, powers, look, the setting
and, oh yeah, why do they get called superheroes again?
It was bad enough when Superman died and came back with long hair
and no visible signs of rigor mortis. But they’re really messing with heads
when you have Wonder Woman forced to consider where those rebounding bullets off her bracelets go. Of course, that’s more realistic, but not exactly super ... especially if you’re the person standing next to her, going
‘‘Ohmigod, it’s her, it’s Wonder Woman ... grak ... ungh. THUD’’.
As for a bicycling Batman, I wonder if they’ve thought this through.
The guy’s getaways could be limited to the bikepaths and the abilities of
motorists to keep an eye out for retarded stock boys fighting crime. A
single, forgetful driver who doesn’t indicate properly, and that could be
all she wrote for the bat-eared fella with a knack for milk expiry dates.
I have long been a fan of superheroes ever since I first saw
Christopher Reeve’s Superman head for the clouds at age 12. (Er, I was 12, he was probably shaving by then.)
My first thought was, ‘‘Hey, where’d he leave his clothes? And won’t some homeless guy take them? And that’d be okay but his wallet could be in there, along with his ID and then that would give the whole game away if Superman’s wallet clearly shows his Clark Kent Daily Planet pass. And what if his wallet gets handed in to the paper by someone
who says ‘It was left in the phonebooth that Superman came out of’. Then
Lois Lane would frown and, smart woman she is, finally go ‘Aha! Clark must have just used that phone to call Superman’.’’
But my big thought was always: ‘‘Wow. He’s flying!’’
So here’s the thing: I wouldn’t want my childhood illusions of clothes snatching and flying men distracted by wondering if my hero will get out of the prison shower alive. And I’m not interested in whether Wonder Woman will snitch on her ‘‘Commie’’ toyboy.
Nope, I want to know the burning questions that last the generations: How come Superman’s fancy outfit doesn’t get riddled with bulletholes? And why isn’t he ever arrested for wearing his undies on the outside?
Now that’s reality.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The
Advertiser, 23 MAY 2000