Enlightening the Dark Side
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
Two more sleeps and Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace opens in
Adelaide. Parents know this already, as the corners of their jackets
now look like cow teats from constant tugging by youngsters, begging
to go.
Truth be known, more than a few parents will be keen to comply,
remembering fondly that first time they saw the mother ship slide
overhead on the big screen, with dimensions longer than New Zealand
and with more cheese per square metre. But I am wondering, in these
sensitive, politically correct times, whether Star Wars could have
been made today, unchanged.
I think, perhaps, in our creativity-by-committee film era, Star Wars would be just as it was in the ’70s but with a few minor changes to ensure that no community group could possibly be offended:
FOR THE BLACKS: any appropriately sensitive committee would take one
look at Darth Vader’s dark garb and conclude it implies black people
are inherently evil, intent on attacking good (white) people.
Committee’s recommendation: a black-and-white checked outfit for
Darth would fix this.
FOR THE SCIENTISTS: a committee would feel scientists could be most
unimpressed if their hard work helping the community was undermined
by the depiction of lasers for evil purposes.
Recommendation: replace all laser weapons with semi-automatic machine guns.
FOR THE FEMINISTS: the committee would note that Princess Leia’s
suggestive name and skimpy, sexually objectified outfit would be
simply unacceptable to modern women. The actor wasn’t even allowed
to wear underwear.
Recommendation #1: rename her Princess
Fatchancebuddyboy, put her in (low-cut) combat gear (underwear still optional).
Also, the saying: ‘‘Feel the Force, Luke’’ would be unacceptable if the Force
didn’t want his attention.
Recommendation #2: change the line to read, ‘‘Feel the Force, Luke, as long as it clearly gives its permission first.’’
FOR THE GAYS: the golden robot C3PO was an effeminate, wailing,
campy wuss and the committee would observe he was clearly implying a
negative gay stereotype.
Recommendation: make C3PO swagger and throw in a suitably macho line once every three minutes like: ‘‘Yo, R2D2, synthesise me a beer, man.’’
FOR THE MODERN WOMAN: there’s something about Han Solo and his
treatment of Princess Fatchancebuddyboy that is out of place in the ‘90s. It may be the way he mocks her, assumes she loves him and dotes on his ship more than her. The committee wouldn’t be able to quite put its
finger on what’s wrong here, but it would have decided Han could be more of a SNAG and less misogynistic.
Recommendation: have him ask Princess Fatchancebuddyboy whether she wants him to insult her before or after he kisses her. Then get him to talk about his feelings.
FOR THE GUN-CONTROL LOBBY: the sight of storm-troopers going
down in a hail of semi-automatic gunfire might be disturbing to young
minds.
Recommendation: none. The committee sees nothing wrong. Except
that the body count was disturbingly low. (Besides, the bad guys are
all faceless.)
So there you go - exactly as Star Wars always was. More or less.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 1 JUN 1999