The rules of cricket (more or less)

By Sheryl-Lee Kerr

(NB: This was just a special one-off column written in 2002 to fill a spot on the columns page, in case the date puzzles y’all. Note to non-Australians: Steve Waugh was Australia’s cricket captain at the time.)

WITH Australian cricketers on such a winning streak at present, it seems a

fitting time to go back over the rules of the game lest anyone thinks it

works thus: Step 1. Steve Waugh makes a victory speech.

Thus, I give you the actual rules for men's international cricket, give or

take a few vitals:

For starters, you need a batsman on the field. Two is even better.

They have to be able to run speedily down pitches wearing more padding

than a giraffe disguised as a polar bear.

Ironically, for all that padding, they still drop to the ground faster

than the Myer Centre's lift if any ball gets nervously too close to their

nether regions. This is where the game's drama comes in.

At this point, a member of the batter's team must immediately run out,

grab one of the downed batsman's legs and start pumping it vigorously back and forth.

While there seems to be no known benefit in doing this, I'm told it's

great TV.

Cricket also requires a bowler who, ideally, should be in the same peak

condition as a five-beer-a-day front-bar patron and have his own rock

band. (Singing ability for the latter pursuit is optional.)

This bowler must have an ability to toss the ball but not, repeat NOT, throw it.

If one has thrown the ball instead of tossed it, the umpires in their

special way will know.

Umpires are very interesting creatures.

They communicate by waggling their fingers and pausing dramatically at

most inopportune moments, like when everyone on the field, in the stands

and those five guys in the carpark have all just gone up, screaming:

“Howzat?!”

Sometimes, just when you think the umpire is actually mentally checking

through his shopping list of things to pick up on his way home before

deciding who was in or out, he may indeed suddenly give someone out. This is termed as “taking his time to think about it”. Or, “annoying” for

short.

Umpires have a secondary duty, too.

It is their job to hold the spare garments that bowlers aren't using.

I don't think anyone has actually put any umpire completely to the test on

this yet. I await with interest to see whether the ant theory applies as

to how much they can carry above and beyond their body mass before their

knees begin to buckle.

I, for one, would like to see a man in white one day hold three caps, two

pairs of sunnies, a Collette Dinnigan summer frock and four jerseys (as in

cows). If only for the amusement value of then seeing them then trying to

indicate a four.

And so there you have it: all you ever needed to know about cricket,

provided of course you had no intention of actually understanding it.

As for deciding the winner, well at the moment that's disturbingly easy.

Just look out for the guy named Steve making the victory speech.