Damn the motto, watch
the fun
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
IT was the sort of gathering usually reserved for sports
legends,
rumors of free food or the swimsuit section of Miss World
competitions. Hooting and hollering reverberated down the
corridors.
Quivering fingers pointed at TVs, eyes bulged, jaws thumped on
to
desks.
I peered up at the screen. I could make out toes. Pointing at
the
air, waggling about, sweeping arcs, little pirouettes. All in
superhumanly perfect harmony. And water. And, well, more
guffawing.
It seems I had arrived in time for the synchronised swimming.
Right
at that moment I wondered who’d want to be a synchronised
swimmer for
quids?
Imagine the party chitchat:
“Me? Oh I’m a synchronised swim...hey, it’s not funny. Stop
that! Er, no, I have never known anyone to drown.
“No, I really haven’t. Hey look - you probably couldn’t hold
your breath under water for longer than two minutes so you can’t talk ... no toilet
bowls don’t count.
“No, my mascara doesn’t run.
“Yes, we get more than five people turning up to events - we
actually have a sizeable
following in some places ... yes, men do attend … YES voluntarily.
“No, the smiles aren’t painted on the night before.
“No, no one has ever inhaled a nose plug. Yes, it is
still a sport
even though I have to wear make-up. (Sigh.)
“Look, er, did I say
synchronised swimmer? I meant I’m in
accounting.”
Fancy working yourself all the way up to Commonwealth level
competition only to be mocked continuously and possibly forced into an illicit
life of accountancy.
Oh, the humanity ...
I sat back for a while and watched our gals doing their silver
medal-winning twirls with more grace in water than I have on
land,
figuring, soon enough the blokes’ synchronised swimming event
would
begin.
For some reason it never did. How odd that men would not want to
proudly partake in a Commonwealth sport. You’d almost think they
didn’t respect it as an event or something. But I’m sure that
wouldn’t be it ...
And besides, why would anyone deliberately put a sport
on the Games list that the masses don’t take seriously?
No, that couldn’t be
right.
I wondered anew at this lack of general fervor about the
upside-down
tog lasses. Then I understood. It’s clearly because the event
doesn’t fit the Olympic motto (which, by default, has
unofficially been
adopted at Commonwealth level): Citius Altius Fortius (Higher
Faster
Stronger).
This incongruity is what is upsetting the public. Obviously.
So to fix this problem, might I boldly suggest the motto be
altered
slightly to be more in keeping with the times, like “Higher,
Faster, Stronger, Most Synchronised”?
Hmm, but start with one controversial sport, then you’ve got to
look
at the other. There’s also that whole thing about boxing
possibly
not being a real “sport” because the aim is hitting people in
the face
a bit until they bleed a lot or fall down. (I guess that means
ice
hockey isn’t a sport either.)
This being the intent, then boxing, much as I enjoy it (as both
observer and participant), is not adequately covered by the
Games
motto, either. Perhaps another rewrite - “Higher, Faster,
Stronger,
Most Synchronised, More Pain Inflicted” - would cover that
little
discrepency?
Now some of the nay sayers out there may be thinking, eyeballs
rolling heavenwards, “Why not just exclude the
universally mocked and
violent sports that don’t fit an age-old motto, rather than mess
with the
motto?”
Well, I do rather think that’s like shutting Yass’s gent’s loo
door
after the David Oldfield has bolted. It’s just a wee bit late now
to
actually choose sports that we all respect and are in keeping
with
the traditional Games motto.
So I rather think if we aren’t too worried by choosing sports
that
fit the motto then what is left to do but make the motto fit the
sports?
Curiously, I noted as I left work that day that, for all my
colleagues’ smirks and ridicule, they were still glued to the
TV.
And they were watching, as though their very lives depended on
it,
swimming pools of waggling feet and waving arms.
It’s a funny world.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr &
The Advertiser, 19 SEP 1998