Vital lessons from the Olympics *
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
(* a favourite column – albeit an out of date one…)
WELL, the Games are well and truly over and I know one or two people
suffering withdrawal symptoms from their wall-to-wall fix of the world
telling us how great we are and hanging medals around our necks.
These people are known as Michael Knight.
But for me, the Games were actually highly educational as well as
entertaining. And so now they’ve been over a week and a bit, it’s given us a chance to reflect on all that we have learned. And there are some profound life lessons in there for everyone:
LAWN MOWING clearly means a lot to Australians.
WE NOW know what horses are thinking when they crash a jump and head
for the hills, thanks to commentator Lucinda Green’s insightful and dulcet
tones: “No mummy, nort today. I’m going whom.”
YOU CAN co-ordinate your pink strapless Priscilla party frock with
pink 12-inch heels while applying giant false eyelashes, even if your
metre-high headwear is billowing in your face. (I did not know this.)
OUR UNOFFICIAL Games mascot - a wombat with a big bum wearing
sneakers - is worth more than a new Jaguar.
OUR OTHER unofficial Games mascot - John Howard - is worth more
than, er ... Well he can crowd surf really well at post-Olympics parties.
IT IS possible to talk while continuously smiling, as Andrew Gaze
demonstrates.
IT IS possible on occasion for women’s beach volleyballers to
squeeze in a match between hugs.
THE olive branch waved to Vangelis music for 15 minutes by women in
white frocks is immensely uplifting. (Don’t try this at home though, as
results may vary.)
HILLS Hoists are actually fashionable hats. Again, don’t try this at
home. Results will vary.
SWIMMING really, really slowly can win you more sponsorship
endorsements than swimming quickly. (Next Olympics I’m going to see whether my near-drowning can nail me a Reebok/Coke/McDonald’s deal.)
PAUL Hogan shouldn’t dance in public.
JIMMY Barnes shouldn’t sing in public.
A “HERO”* is a guy who runs along a track for 10 seconds and then
spends 25 minutes trotting about punching the air meaningfully.
Alternatively, it is anyone disqualified from the walk right near
the finish line. (As opposed to 5km out.)
A “REAL HERO”* is someone who gives directions, collects tickets
and holds hands for hours in a line with other “real heroes”*.
(* All definitions courtesy of Channel 7.)
GIANT shrimps can ride bicycles. So can frilly-necked lizards. I
think this begs the burning question: Maybe they discovered the wheel before Aborigines and white man?
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 10 OCT 2000