Pleasantries of proper parking
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
We’ve had The World’s Worst Drivers.
Then The Best of The World’s Worst Drivers.
Presumably to follow are The
Best of the Best of the World’s Worst Drivers; The Worst of the Best of the
World’s Worst
Drivers; Drivers Who Think
They are the Best of the World’s Drivers
but Whose Terrified Wives
Disagree; and People Who Would Rather Put
a Brick Through Their TV
than Watch Anything Involving Drivers and
Smug Voice-over Men Who Pronounce Cops as “CARPS’’.
I think what has been sadly lacking in this incisive, on-the-edge
real television format (apart from focus, diction and originality) is a
theme that grips us all. It’s what we have been waiting for. Yes,
you guessed it, The Best of the World’s Worst Parkers. And I am not
referring to bad ski jackets here.
No, I can visualise parking disasters as being a thing of great interest. Picture the show’s teaser:
Exterior: Man dressed as United States sheriff with stern expression
and, in a resonate American accent says (as actors with semi-automatic
rifles run to and fro behind him):
“Parking. The thing that sets mankind apart from the apes. It’s what makes us great. But what happens when something goes wrong? When some hew-mans think they can take on the “lore’’? Like when one citizen refuses to get his vee-hickle between the lines at the 7-11? Well, that’s where the CARPS, come in.’’
Exterior: CARPS, er, cops, running up to a car, leaping on the
bonnet and trying to direct a scared old man (who is panicking at the sight
of actors with semi-automatic guns running to and fro) to do a
correct reverse park.
Interior: Voice-over sheriff-guy is now inside the car, beside the scared
old man, patting him condescendingly on the knee and talking out the
passenger window at the camera.
“One CARP can take him out and make sure this old man always knows
to stay between the lines.’’
(Close-up of old man, convulsing, face turning grey, fumbling for
medication while cops on the bonnet shout aggressively and point directions: “Left, left, now RIGHT’’.)
Interior: Extreme bloodshot eye close-up of the voice-over Judge Dredd-ish Sheriff-guy. “Yes, paaa-rrrrking. Here, you’ll see the worst there is. All real. All caught live. Parking. Don’t miss one gut-wrenching gear change.’’
In case you think I’m exaggerating about the impact parking has on
people, especially in the US, here is a real story which happened in
Salem, Virginia. A police officer used pepper spray on a 77-year-old
woman, dragged her from her car in handcuffs and arrested her. Her
crime was parking on the wrong side of the road to get her mail.
I suppose he figured the pepper spray was a necessary precaution in
case she got ugly and called him “sonny’’. And the handcuffs would
have stopped that walking-frame getaway.
For some reason, the officer was sacked. Now the burning question remains: what’s a Judge Dredd-like parking enforcer like him to do without a job? Oh, wait, there’s a thought ...
“Parking,’’ a deep Judge Dredd voice continues, growling at the camera. “Never underestimate its power.’’
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 11 MAY 1999