Wild claims, wild turkeys
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
This week, I read that overly aggressive wild turkeys have been
terrorising visitors at a Californian wilderness park. And that a
Pennsylvanian man is suing God. He wants the Big Fella to “return
his youth and grant him the guitar-playing skills of famous guitarists,
along with resurrecting his mother and his pet pigeon”.
I think it goes without saying that these two news events are
related, in that they both involve turkeys doing what comes naturally.
Right about now, I think it would be high time to do a spot check on what they put in the water in the land of Uncle Sam. All the
disturbing signs are there:
Love Boat: The Next Wave, Jerry
Springer, Las Vegas and Monica Lewinsky’s hair.
I’d be inclined to think all of it was America’s idea of a huge joke on the rest of the planet if many didn’t also think irony was part of a multivitamin supplement and that Ross Perot was once president material.
One must therefore reluctantly concede that America is as serious
about its lawsuits and lawyers as it is about its rampaging turkeys.
(Incidentally, the turkeys at least understand something of irony,
since they tend to like biting humans most during Thanksgiving.)
So let us examine this case of Donald S. Drusky v The Almighty. As
well as God, he’s suing two former US presidents, the TV networks,
all 50 States, every single American, all federal judges and the 100th
through 105th congresses.
Hey, in for a penny, in for $US5.17 million, I always say.
It seems the 63-year-old steel worker blamed God for failing to
bring him justice in a 30-year battle against his former employer. Hmm, I
wonder if he swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help him
God?
Anyway, for some strange reason, US District Judge Norman
Mordue found Mr Drusky’s case to be “frivolous”. No ... really ?
But the real question is: what on earth would possess any lawyer to
take Mr Drusky’s case?
Perhaps a legal boffin sighed to his chums one day: “You know, my career’s been good but it’s not like I’ve taken on anyone really big. Sure, sure, there was that case with the president, then those seven multinationals, and then, whoa, that thing with Oprah. But there’s been no one who could really crush my BMW like an ant ...”
Suffice to say, anyone taking on Donald S. Drusky’s case has much in
common with a certain class of feathered beasties now the subject of
much irritation in California. This being the case, allow me to simply reprint the Santa Clara County newsletter’s advice on what to do to counter their problem of vexatious turkeys who get in the way and charge people often, for no good reason:
“If you encounter these robust creatures, avoid getting closer than
30ft (10m). Keep your young children with you. Clap your hands and
make noise to discourage them from approaching. (Try) opening and
closing an umbrella. It’s kind of like strutting back at them, and
they’ll back off.”
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 23 MAR 1999