Mistakes the bride's made
By
Sheryl-Lee Kerr
MY seasonal, back-of-the-wardrobe rummage has dredged up a veritable
time capsule of what not to wear. Like layered skirts ... remember
those? Me either. Okay, so maybe I remember a bit about it, along
with crocheted vests and tie-dyed purple flare pants. But I choose
to take the Alan Bond defence and look vague.
I also came upon a special find: my bridesmaid's outfit. The biggest
lie perpetrated by brides on bridesmaids is: “Don't worry, I picked
a dress you could wear again”.
The correct reply to this should be: “Oh, wow, I get to wear jeans
and a T-shirt? Thanks so much.”
In my case, I bustled down that aisle in a green taffeta,
off-the-shoulder, bulbous affair with poufy ’70s sleeves (it was the
’90s, incidentally) and a plunging neckline that would have put
Dolly Parton to shame. I blush every time I look at it. I suppose I could
wear it again next time there's a coronation.
Last week, I took a highly scientific office poll of the only three
staff members who cared and found it was “universally agreed” that
an oddly large percentage of brides have a penchant for picking a
certain bridesmaid's dress style known technically in the fashion
trade as “butt ugly”.
Why this should be so was a mystery to us - why, even women famed for their stunning fashion sense at every other time of their lives have, upon their wedding day, been known to be joined down the aisle by walking hibiscuses, prairie girls and calypso dancers.
I have been to all these weddings. I have felt the bridesmaid’s pain
as she has smiled through gritted teeth at the photographer cruelly
making all those permanent records. But I happily can report a solution.
One colleague reports there's a woman in the United States who became so irked by her collection of a remarkable 14 ugly bridesmaid outfits, collected over her time in serial bridesmaid purgatory, that when her own special day came, she cooked up her revenge. She asked all the brides for whom she had been bridesmaid to be her bridesmaids. And then she told them they'd be wearing the very bridesmaid dresses they had asked her to wear. Apparently they wore them - and the bride was the only one beaming.
Of course, a few folks may be asking why some bridesmaids don't just
whisper in the ear of the bride about what she is doing to them.
Can't be done. It's all in the etiquette.
All good bridesmaids who love their friend know the golden rules of what to say/do at these events: the bride is always right; the bride looks radiant; the bride is definitely doing the right thing (how could you even ask?); and, no, you wouldn't really prefer to see your bridesmaid's dress being shredded by the garbage disposal unit despite what she may have
heard.
And that's how it goes. I stared at my green dress and recalled that,
although breathing was optional, and certainly my internal organs
may have been rearranged permanently thanks to it, I will also long
remember the smile on the bride's face as she whispered “I do”.
Maybe that old dress isn't so bad, after all.
(Er, well, actually ...)
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 16 FEB 1999