Faces
on the food chain gang
THE strange habits of two-legged worker mammals are a
fine thing to ponder. I have spent many hours observing these creatures in their
natural habitat - those oddly tall nests of glass and cement.
Now I know what you’re thinking: how do I
spot a real-life two-legged worker mammal? Good question, intrepid nature
lovers. First, remember, they’re not all the same.
The most basic of the species is the Downtrodden
dilbertis, that stocky little creature with pens lined across the top
pocket, furrowed brow and an innate ability to spring out of the nest at
exactly the same time every day. It often makes a guttural noise some
linguistic experts have interpreted to be “bloody management”. Warning: do not
approach unannounced. It can be highly strung.
Then there is that fine creature, the Socialitis
butterflyis. In full plumage, the Socialitis butterflyis is characterised
by her haze of mating scents, bright coat and hair as high as her stalk-like
feet are precarious. She emits high-pitched squeals of “dahling”’ and
“gooorgeous”. Harmless unless you get between her and her mobile
phone.
At the top end of the foodchain is the Ironfistis
chestthumper. This dominant male or female keeps the lower order in line
with growls, snorts and occasional bloodless maulings. This creature often has
a strange strut as though something has permanently lodged in an uncomfortable
bodily crevice. They generally puff out the chests, flail their arms about,
roar and stamp their feet most impressively.
They suffer repeated wounds throughout
their life, mostly to the back
region.
Travelling with them are packs of Hesa
yesmanus. These snappy, alert mammals possess a most positive demeanor and,
curiously, always seem to be nodding. They’re known to wholeheartedly agree to
the need for a trenchcoat on 45C days
and yet, most puzzling, they can be overheard at other times contradicting an
affirmation made earlier to Ironfistis.
Perhaps the hardiest of beasts is the Slothic
resurrectus. One minute, it’s blissfully dozing off at its designated post.
But an uncanny sixth sense alerts it to the impending presence of Ironfistis
chestthumper, and it’s up and instantly flustered as though it’s been
poring over its task for hours.
The Itsnotmyfault supremist and Interfering
busybodia are so common we will not address them here. But one species
worth a second look is The Wistful dreamerius. Surrounded by pictures of
far-flung places and clutching a mug that reads “Wish I Were Anywhere Else”,
this creature’s mating call is a pronounced sigh. Groups of them can be found
clustered around the office coffee machine.
But perhaps the rarest of all is Theactual
workerite. As it is usually hidden under mountains of paper and by the
other worker mammals requiring protection - one has not been heard or sighted
for some time. But who knows, intrepid nature lover? This very day we may be so
lucky . . .
DISCLAIMER: The above characters are
fictional and have no bearing
on anyone living or dead (or both) at The
Advertiser.
©
Advertiser Newspapers & Sheryl-Lee Kerr 1996-2001. TUE 29 JUL 1997, Page 030