Signatures in code
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
ONE of the trickiest things to cope with in the office is the group farewell card.
These are those big cards that get sent around the room and are signed furtively behind pot plants whenever a staff member leaves.
Behind those cheerily shallow good wishes is much angst – see, most signers tend to have used up their wittier lines back in the
late-'80s before they were jaded.
In the many years I have been signing farewell cards, I have become adept at two things:
One, recalling the wittiest line from the previous departing person's card and being the first to write it on the next one.
Two, making a card vanish when the person in question appears suddenly by my side. This can be done by casually ripping it into little shreds to make sure the person never realises what you were holding. (For some reason, I don't tend to be given the cards any more without adult supervision. Infidels.)
One thing you can tell from cards is how well a person was liked. Your average farewell card should have the usual cliched sign-offs on it.
Some people mean just what they say. But some lines are actually a secret code for what people really think. I have cracked this code to come up with the following explanations of what people really mean when they say the following:
Good luck. (I'm glad I'm not going to that overrated high-stress rat-race. You'll need all the luck you can get.)
Best Wishes, signed xx. (I only signed this card because everyone was looking at me.)
All the best. (Well, they said I had to write something. I didn't really know you well.)
Seeya, Matey. (Um, whose card was this for again? I don't know you at all.)
Wishing you every opportunity in your new job. (The depth of sentiment in this statement shows how deeply I feel about your leaving.)
You will be missed. (Yeah, but not by me.)
We'll miss you. (Sure we will; we'd also miss the coffee machine if it'd been pinched, and the guy with the doughnut tray.)
May you find the same support and loyalty in your next job that you enjoyed here. (We backstabbed you so badly it's a miracle you haven't died of blood loss.)
In the interest of fairness, I will provide some far less cliched farewell messages for you to try out on your colleagues' cards when they leave:
DON'T worry, I won't tell
anyone about the suspenders, panties and that late-night Lambada with the
floor-waxing machine.
DID we mention the exciting plan to bring a work-experience student in to do your job? (WARNING: I really did test this one only last week and it was pointed out to me that I simultaneously insulted both my outgoing boss and my incoming boss. Ouch. You may not know your own powers.)
WE all knew the boobs/toupee
was fake.
I CAN now reveal I am your long-lost brother. (Works best if signer is a woman.)
WHEN we think of you, we will
have a drink. And another. And another. . .
© The Advertiser, Edition 2 - Metro TUE 10 AUG 1999, Page 042