Work more on working less
From to time, self-help books lob on my desk. This year, subjects range from putting the bliss back into my marriage (don't ask), the diet for my cat (Frog wasn't impressed) or telling me how to more effectively manage my time (I like how they assume it was effectively managed in the first place).
Well, enough, I say. These experts don't seem to understand I have way too much squeezed into my day already what with getting up, making it in to work, waking up again, going home. I tell you, it's hell. Next thing I'll be given some work ... and it'll throw my whole schedule off.
Seriously, though, I think I'm overdosing on the “squeezing things in” mindset of the '90s. Our delicate neurones, when not propped up by chocolate and/or coffee, tend to respond most unfavourably to work.
Of course, that's most people. Then there's my brother. My big brother is a public servant. But not like normal public servants, who actually do work. He has what you might call a laissez-faire approach to his working day.
He grins that if your workload isn't mostly illusory, you're not doing it right. In fact, I think his motto could come from the guy in the film Office Space who says: “Doing nothing is everything I dreamed it could be.”
He is also the picture of happiness. Blissfully so. Thus, there may be some merit to his methods. This being the case, I have pored over all the data, publications and self-help books available. Then I have immediately ignored them and written down the exact opposite to try and get a feel for my brother's surreal, non-taxing, low stress work existence.
Here are some pointers but, hey, don't hold me responsible if my brother gets you sacked:
Write down lists of things to do, highlight the priorities in red pen - and then lose them promptly.
China was famous for its long-term plans. This is also an ideal way to procrastinate. So give yourself a five-year plan to finish a report. If you still don't meet the deadline, blame it on Western imperialism.
Shorten the cord on the telephone. If it only reaches to your neck level, you'll be less inclined to answer it. If you never answer it, people will get the hint and stop bugging you with work calls.
Set yourself achievable goals only, not ones that could extend you. Like, “today, I will breathe at least once every minute”. Beyond that, don't set yourself up for failure. Life's too short.
A cluttered desk is a friendly desk. Not finding work is the key to success. Don't file unless you want to find something again, in which case, you may have missed the point of this exercise.
Remember to agonise over every decision. Think long and hard on the “one sugar or two?” question. Learn to ponder impressively. Pretty soon, people will stop asking you stuff and your workload will decrease.
Go to meetings unprepared and raise red herrings like the coffee machine's weird new taste and car parking allocation. Trust me, that will cause more debate than the company's new mega-dollar deal.
Join at least six committees that do nothing but meet and argue. That's a whole week gone.
Write all memos at least 22 pages long on a subject so mundane people will be (a) impressed and (b) stop reading after page two, so they won't suspect it's just your mortgage repayment fine print - the summarised version.