Year of living dangerously
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
Normally at this time of year, I turn my seven active brain cells
(the remaining billion or so have their feet up at the beach) to all the
mirth-filled things that happened in the preceding 12 months.
But 2000 was less about mirth and more a year of crises, civil wars and immense, heart-rending anguish. Still, that's what you'd expect when a nation finds out it's accidentally voted in George W. Bush. (Next election, I trust they'll hold seminars to explain to American voters the complexities of how to use a hole puncher ... Handy hint: if there's no hole, you haven't done it right.)
Still in America, there was the little Cuban boy Elian Gonzalez,
nicknamed affectionately by the media as “Ohmygoddidhejustsneezequickwhere'sthedamnedcamera”.
This case also highlighted the absolute need to involve in child-custody cases semi-automatic weapons, large armies in riot gear and Fidel Castro.
Not enough of it, I always say.
But let's back up a bit. The year 2000 started off with a bang and a
firework in Victoria Square which was most, um, high.
The so-called Y2K bug failed to bite, although I argue once you've
factored in the GST, plus paperwork time, the little sucker should hit us
about mid-2004. Yes, you read it here first - so get cracking on that DIY
wheat-storage facility.
The year's highlight was a toss-up. One contender was the State
Government's hilarious Bring Them Home campaign which entailed luring our interstate/overseas-based successful young folk back to South Australia while not actually having a job for them when they got here.
On the surface, it might look merely like a clever scheme to boost our unemployment figures. Er, under the surface, too, come to think of it ...
The other highlight was the Sydney Olympics, which saw a new event
introduced - the “Cathy Freeman 400m”. This does make you wonder whether people of other names were allowed to run in it. Small pop quiz: can anyone name who came second in the Cathy Freeman 400m? (The correct answer is: “Hang on, you mean there was someone else in the race?”)
At the same time, we got to meet a hitherto unknown pole vaulter
named Tatiana Grigorieva. The impressive Tatiana proved to us all one
constant: it's not whether you win that counts - it's how you look in the
photo shoot.
This was also the year computer stocks dropped so low that we could
finally stop forcing ourselves to be extra nice to all those teenage
computer nerds we'd befriended on the off-chance they'd own the free world by their 18th birthdays.
Speaking of nerds, there was the grandpappy of them all, Microsoft
boss Bill Gates, who looked like someone stole his trillion-dollar lollipop
when the courts suggested he might have to chop his anti-competitive empire into pieces.
I dunno about you, but I get dibs on the department which
designs those inane Windows “illegal operation” error messages.
I'd soon be livening things up with more attention-getting alerts
like: “You have performed an illegal heart-lung operation. Please stay
seated and semi-automatic weapons, large armies in riot gear and Fidel
Castro will be with you shortly.”
Coincidentally, death by malevolent computer was actually prophesied
in 2001: A Space Odyssey. So with this in mind, my wisdom for the new year is: keep your space trips to a minimum, your wheat silo full and your
computer nerds close.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 02 JAN 2001