The end is nigh in 22 days - and counting ...
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
No matter which way you look at your calendar, including upside-down
and with gravy stains on it, we are now in the new millennium. To
commemorate this momentous occasion, aside from developing fireworks-earplugs for skittish pets (the goldfish aren't looking happy during
trials), I have decided to shine up the crystal ball and look into the
future.
I have perused works from Nostradamus onwards, of philosophers,
scholars and madmen (the ultimate original thinkers) to find out what the
year 2001 has in store for us. And one thing is clear: We're all gonna die
real soon.
Now aren't you sorry you got that two-year gym subscription?
Just kidding. You're not going to die.* Yet.
(*Conditions apply, see details below.)
Anyway, without further ado, here are the three most common, 2001
predictions on the Internet - at sites with really conspiratorial names like
Hangar 51 (thus, they must be true) - and all with an earnestness I usually reserve for cat-washing day:
Prediction 1. Sun Magazine reported on October 14, 1997, that Noah's
Ark had been discovered intact near Mount Ararat, Turkey. Inside were six
scrolls. The second scroll revealed that the sun will superheat the earth,
melting both polar ice caps, and creating a world-wide flood. The third
scroll revealed that Doomsday is set for January 31, 2001. Those who repent now will be saved, while everyone else will go to Hell.
(Hmm. I wonder why the End Of It All never falls mid-month in some non-descript year?)
Meanwhile, rumour has it the other scrolls contain delicious egg nog recipes and deportment hints on fashionable summer robes. Woohoo.
Prediction 2. Jack Van Impe Ministries, an Evangelical Christian
program, says in the book On the Edge of Eternity that 2001 will “usher in
international chaos such as we've never seen”. He predicts “drought, war,
malaria, and hunger afflicting ... the (African) continent. There will be
global chaos.” (Hey, doesn't that sound like every year?)
He adds: “Murderers who kill for kicks and sociopathic monsters
will walk the streets searching for yet more prey.” (Er, isn't that what
murderers and sociopaths do already?)
Meanwhile, a one-world church will emerge; it will be “controlled by demonic hosts”. (I wonder if they get to wear horns and everything? Dibs on the pitchforks.)
Prediction 3. Charles Spiegel, a retired Californian psychology
professor, predicts the ancient land of Atlantis will emerge from the
Caribbean, circa 2001. Shortly thereafter, 1000 extra-terrestrials from
“Myton” in 33 spaceships will land there and bring new knowledge to
humanity.
(I love how Mr Spiegel can not only predict an alien arrival but
also precisely how big its fleet is. I am guessing his psychology classes
would have been fun ... )
There were other, miscellaneous prophesies abounding on the Net - of
nuclear threats, Asia at war and the assassination of Elton John. (Oh, come on, Goodbye English Rose wasn't THAT bad.)
But, if the Doomsday-in-22-days prophesy is wrong, we always have
2002 to look forward to, which one numerologist claims is the year George W. Bush will be assassinated. (Bet George wishes he supported those gun control laws now.)
Of course, if the other two predictions are right instead, we'll all
have demonic hosts and be living on the planet Myton long before then. (For those who can't wait and want to experience Myton early, head past Mars, then turn left at the planet with the big Mickey Mouse ears.)
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 09 JAN 2001