Just another bizarre day
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
Today is National Columnist Day (in America at least) and I think we
should all mark this day by taking the time to send our favorite columnists
lots and lots of money, particularly high denomination bills. The reason for
this is that coins are heavy, meaning Australia Post employees could injure
themselves under the enormous weight of coin-filled envelopes.
I say this only for the greater good of our brave postal workers and to arrest a possible blowout in our nation’s WorkCover bill. Call me a patriot.
Jokes aside, (well, if you were just about to stamp that donation
envelope, I was deadly serious, okay?), only in America could you have a
National Columnists’ Day. What’s next, National Pudding Day? Don’t laugh,
because that was yesterday. And tomorrow? Paul Bunyan Day.
So sayeth Bizarrenews.com, a website dedicated to the pursuit of
facts that have as much relevance as William Shatner at a Star Wars
convention. Hard-hitting journo that I am (motto: protect all sources,
especially tomato, and never let a good lead go unattached to a dog), I
decided to determine whether I was being duped.
I began a top-level investigation of the world’s zany days to see if I could verify when pudding, columnist and Paul Bunyan devotees party hardest.
This arduous research, which took all night minus time spent for
sleeping and determining once and for all whether my hair really was
“normal”, “oily” or “dry”, (answer: inconclusive) turned up some
unusual national days indeed.
These included Denim Day (US, October 6), Windmill Day (Netherlands, May 8); Gandhi Day of Service (India, October 3) and Rottweiler Day (US, June 28 - lock up your tennis balls).
I thought I was getting close to a columnists’ day when I found
South Africa had a Hack Day on March 29. Alas, it was an excuse to get the
populace ridding Devil’s Peak of weeds.
I did come across Workplace Napping Day (US, April 3) which sounded
eerily like a possible columnists’ day, but it was just to raise awareness
of the idea of a daily nap, a la Spain.
I uncovered a slew of other American national days: Common Sense Day (January 29 - what do they do for the rest of the year?), Hunting and Fishing Day (September 25 - like people need an excuse), Kiss and Make Up Day (August 25 - ditto), Iguana Awareness Day (September 11- I’m counting down the hours) and National Mole Day (October 3 - could be a hit with the CIA or ASIO).
There’s Clear Off Your Desk Day (January 20 - when I find mine, I
will), National Hugging Day (January 21 - c’mere family-sized chocolate
block), Ice-Cream Day (July 17 - like every day isn’t), Rotten Sneaker Day
(March 21 - ditto), Doughnut Day (June 6 - a “holey” day to be sure) and Video Games Day (July 12 - oh no, it wouldn’t be a cynical marketing exercise). And Metric Day, on July 7, I’d go 1.61km out of my way to enjoy.
Finally, there’s Day of Repentance on May 3, although it might have had more impact if held just after Christmas.
In the end, I was only able to determine that Paul Bunyan has a big
ox, pudding day relates to puddings and columnists’ day is an unverifiable
mystery. Which means donations sent to favorite columnists may not mark a bona fide day after all.
Hey, it’s a risk I’m prepared to take.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 04 JUL 2000