BYO tax interpreter ASAP
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
I NOTE that the GST is looming large on the horizon. They really
should do something about that - it’s blocking my view in the mornings.
Seriously though, I’m all in favor of acronyms - especially BBQ, BYO and R&R.
The problem with government-issued acronyms is they are so dang
earnest, they tend to be miserably unfunny. (Well, except for the Gross
Domestic Product which is actually a misunderstood term referring primarily
to vacuum cleaners, steam irons and relatives affixed to couches with large beer guts.)
But I digress. A Goods And Services Tax (or AGAST for short) needs
some serious lightening up and demystifying for all those people talking
about applying for a number to get a number enabling them to lodge a number down the track for reasons they know not what.
In the interim, I feel it’s my sworn duty as a humor columnist to
add to the confusion. Fortunately the Australian Taxation Office has helped
out by providing a list of what is and isn’t taxed under the GST, which is
almost as funny as the deductions I tried making on last year’s tax return.
(Almost.)
Let’s examine these GST exemptions closely: No tax on quail, live
lobster, duck eggs and turkey eggs. This is doubtlessly an immense relief to Adelaide’s top chefs and our furs-’n’-Saabs set. And I think we all share
their joy.
Also without a GST are frog’s legs, haggis and escargot. These
things, as we well know, are strictly life’s essentials, unlike, say taxed
women’s hygiene products, which are more in the “take-it-or-leave-it,
if-the-wings-mood-grabs-you’’ category.
I, for one, often decide, while having my frog’s legs on toast for brekkie, whether I want to be bothered with feminine hygiene products that day. (It gets down to whether I’m in the mood for wind-surfing, sailing and laughing for no reason on a beach.)
The ATO also helpfully adds that “carcases for human consumption’’
are also GST-free. I am certain this is of great benefit to many families.
Why, just the other night I was saying to a friend, “Hey Scott, could you
pass the croutons and the carcass for human consumption?’’
To whit Scotty naturally replied, “That’s pretty stupid, Shezza - you know you don’t have any croutons.’’
Interestingly, I note live cows now have a GST on them. This will
certainly impact on weekly shopping bills. Personally, I may have to
seriously re-evaluate whether I want to squeeze any more cows into my Barina on Saturday mornings. It’s not looking good.
But the real shock to the system comes not with the taxed lollies,
bee pollen (dear God, no) and TV dinners. I regret to say it but, gasp,
chocolate will have a GST.
Oh, the humanity.
I hereby make this plea that, if condoms are GST-free, so then
should chocolate be - given the former offers safe sex and the latter offers a sex substitute that’s safe. (Hey, at least choccie guarantees satisfaction.)
Well, I live in hope.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 20 JUN
2000.