Ideas that are fitted and balanced
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
IT’S the time of the year to earnestly discuss ways in which to
spice up your love life. Or, if you don’t have a love life and haven’t had
one for 23 years, it’s time to seek ways to wean yourself off the purple
crimplene pants and Star Trek tricorder as a staple fashion ensemble.
I know that some people, as Valentine’s Day nears, go into a
meltdown about gift ideas. Men, in particular, moan to me that they don’t
know what their woman wants after all, they did give her that set of new
tyres for Christmas so “what’s left to give her?”.
That is a silly question. A full wheel rotation, of course.
Still, there’s more to Valentine’s Day than the gift which, to my
mind, should always be exactly the same every year: one dial-a-maid.
Nothing says “I love you” like having someone else de-mould your shower grouting.
But, yes, there are other ways to show your love without hiring
indentured slaves.
No, seriously.
So, for those puzzled menfolk out there who write to me under the
erroneous assumption I have a clue, here are some handy tips for making your woman feel special:
DOs
BRING flowers, chocolates and a buff body to the bedroom. (NOTE: It
is generally less complicated if the buff body is yours.)
STARTLE her with unusual compliments so she knows you didn’t rip
them off a greeting card. For example, “Your smile is wider and whiter than
my great grandma’s poodle, before the accident . . .”
IMPRESS her with your listening skills by mentioning, for instance,
the name of her boss or lecturer. This proves you do pay attention to her
life’s ups and downs.
(NOTE: Do not get overenthusiastic and order surveillance photos as well - these may not be received so gladly.)
DON’Ts
TELL her she still looks “awright” to you, “even with the extra
weight”.
FURTIVELY plan your romantic picnic getaway to Mallala to coincide
with the bike races. (She may wise up when you pull out the earplugs and
race program.)
SPECULATE thoughtfully that she reminds you of your ex-girlfriend,
except she has more black roots showing.
But if all else fails, chaps, remember the golden rules: wheel
rotations only impress men; and the average woman, in all likelihood, still
can’t squeeze into a size six lace teddy no matter how many of them you buy her.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 8 FEB 2000.