Making returns less taxing *
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
(* a favourite column)
A lot of people may be a little confused about how to cope with
their tax return this year, given the TaxPack is now 140 pages long. Last
year’s, you may recall, was a chic 124-page manifesto.
So allow me to offer my services as taxation guide. While my advice
may not be as good as a so-called “professional” accountant’s, or
even in the ball park come to think of it, it does have the merit
of being 100 per cent free of preservatives, coloring and all traces of
genetic engineering. Ready? Okay, first find all your receipts.
Sort them carefully into date, size and whether your spouse/lover
should know about it. If it falls into the latter category, eat these
promptly. Put your remaining receipts to one side in a pile, folded
to make them look bigger. If you’re like me and have only three - two of
which probably won’t count - unless cat worming shots are a new
workplace requirement - you may wish to cantilever fold them. (NB:
This will be important later.)
Next, open your TaxPack ‘99 and look at all the pretty colors,
making special note of how someone has gone to a lot of time and effort to make it user-friendly. (NB: This will be important later.)
Third, log on to the Internet and find the Australian Tax Office’s
web page, which refers to electronically lodging your tax return via the
Net. Carefully bookmark this site for future reference. (NB: This
won’t be even slightly important later.)
Fourth, see Fred, your accountant. Bring over your still carefully
folded receipts and explain that you went to a lot of heartache and
trouble to collect so many receipts this year so he had better lay
off with all the pitying and/or condescending looks. (It’s true, you
did. There’s at least 10 minutes folding there.)
Fifth, after Fred has given you your requisite quota of pitying and condescending looks, and his lecture on the importance of maintaining receipts, see how many colors you can remember from this year’s TaxPack.
This will pass the time and make you look thoughtful in a Jana
Wendt/SBS sort of way.
Sixth, tell Fred that he should lodge your tax return
electronically.
Ignore him when he says he knows already and lean over his desk,
appropriate his computer and knowledgeably type in numbers with
three zeroes on the end in any blank spaces you see.
Seventh, during your tax audit, sit up straight, look attentive and
explain to the nice officers how impressed you are with the new-look
TaxPack ’99. Add that you think it has been made beautifully
user-friendly. Say it is clear someone has gone to a lot of trouble
and inquire whether that person would be the same great person now
looking at you across from your pile of cantilevered receipts.
Eighth, most importantly, as you write out your cheque for your
fine, do not, repeat NOT, blame me.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 22 JUN
1999.