A brief history of shopping
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
Many people wonder why shopping centres are designed the baffling way they
are. Particularly men, who like to think their brains are finely honed logic
centres attuned to things that function. Thus they become somewhat confused
when witnessing the chaos theory in action and no one doing anything to fix
it.
Women, however, are used to the chaos, and understand that shops are
designed as a test of their mettle and endurance and generally not for any
actual practical application.
In fact, they often get surprised when men point out the obvious
deficiencies of shopping complexes. To women it's like: “Yeah, and ...?”
This leaves a lot of puzzled men scratching their heads, a lot of puzzled
women figuring their men for wusses, and John Grey quickly penning his next
bestseller: Men are from Bars, Women are from Ikea.
Interestingly, one store in Britain is actually being designed to
cater to the needs of male shoppers. Bluewater retail centre, in Kent, says
it will feature beer, televised soccer and video games “to take the
negatives out of shopping for men”. In short, it is a “creche for men”.
(I am fairly sure this is what we, in Australia, call a pub.)
But I digress. Why are shopping centres designed the way they are?
Well, I have done extensive research on the history of shopping and,
extrapolating worldwide data from the extremely reliable source that is the
Internet, and doing DNA testing on my cat for verification, have concluded
the following:
In 1937, in Florida, one Frederick Northingham, operator of the
Florida Adventure Fun Park For Very Big Rides - Only Three Fatalities Since
1936, and one Henry Glockenspiel, maker of the Truly Ugly Large Bloomers for
East German PE Teachers, put their heads together and pondered how to get
the maximum number of customers through a store and hold them there.
It occurred to the men that if you could just place aisles in a maze
configuration, people would eventually go past every item in the store at
least 115 times before finding an exit. And so the shopping mall was born.
From there, it was a simple step to add a blaze of colors, a mess of
music, perfume gestapo and lots of people shouting into microphones.
One neat little trick was to add lifts that never, ever stop
despite having 19 people aboard (same 19 people for two years now), just to
give a feeling of urgency.
Humankind's shopping experience was thenceforth complete.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 14 DEC 1999