Clatter, clatter goes a bloke's grey matter
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
I see that Danish researchers have found that men, on average, have
about four billion more brain cells than women.
Asked what the males might be doing with the surplus, neurologist
Benke Pakkenberg said: “Right now, it's a mystery. The knowledge we already have shows men are not smarter than women.”
Well, I agree that's quite a mystery. Thus, in the hard-hitting tradition of That's Life (my investigations into women's chocolate-based brains earlier this year are still hailed by debunked scientists and chocolate salespeople in every corner of the globe), I vowed to get to the bottom of this.
So I began at the top. I rang Dad and asked what he did with his
spare brain cells. He scratched his head for a while and asked me how the weather was in Adelaide.
Hmmm.
I rang my brother, who I know has quite a few spare cells because he
won every mathematics/science award in creation in his youth - and
all before the onset of puberty (which, incidentally, addled his brain
anyway).
He scratched his head for a while and asked me how the weather was
in Adelaide.
In desperation, I turned to a clued-up male colleague, who drew up a
short list of the following possibilities on why men need more brain
cells:
A BUILT-IN in buffer-zone for all the damage men tend to do to their
brains, like beer, cars, girlie mags.
RETAINING all that vital information about sports results, player
histories, which horse won the 1931 Melbourne Cup, which football
player wearing unmatched socks suffered a groin strain minutes
before starting a grand final. The important stuff ...
A HOPEFUL God expecting that by giving men more, they may be tempted to use a greater proportion of it.
EVERY brain cell is needed to help understand women or else the
species would die out.
A gaggle of female colleagues then appeared at my desk to counter
with their own conclusions - albeit without the benefit of an extra four
billion brain cells each:
SEX. Much male brain-cell population is expended figuring out how to
get it, cataloguing pick-up lines, and so on.
MOVIE PLOTS. The male brain sometimes has problems processing plots which involve more long looks and fewer left hooks. So the spares kindly kick in to help out when needed.
WORKING out the office footy tips with the precision of the space program, and then their excuses for when they pick only two.
EMERGENCIES. Men's brain cells work in shifts. One lot tackles one
subject, like sex, then exhausts itself and shuts down. Then another
lot has to come on board and tackle the next thought, which would
be, um, sex. Thus, the spares are the emergency shift workers.
I confess I cannot at this precise moment fathom who's on the right
track here - especially given I now have to break up a small office
gender war which has mysteriously erupted near my desk. (Samela -
please put him down at once.)
But, if all else fails, I suggest the women of the world demand a recount.
And the men wipe that smug grin off their faces.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 05 AUG
1997.