Taking experiments for granted
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
OFTEN in these columns I have been known to take a gentle poke at the international scientific community (motto: yes it sounds silly, but can we have a grant for that?) for its more unusual experiments of, say, working
out how to grow extra eyes on flies.
(This was, incidentally, an actual experiment as reported in the New York Times, but if you want to know why it was done, perhaps when they get more grant money they'll be able to figure this out in their next round of tests.
I can't wait.)
Nonetheless, I want you to know that I hold the scientific community in the highest esteem and not just because they may be threatening to do their “diesel mixed with fertiliser, how loud is a bang really?” experiments on my front doorstep.
Still, in the interests of fairness, I have this week decided to shift my focus to the medical fraternity. I read, in a KRT wire story, that in Minneapolis, United States, there is a Museum of Questionable Medical Devices.
That's its actual name. According to museum director Bob McCoy, 73, you can find everything from a white helmet device which will allegedly help your hair grow back, to a prostate gland warmer that was patented in 1918.
“It's supposed to excite a man's abdominal brain to relieve disease and restore the sex drive,” explains Mr McCoy.
I will refrain from making a salacious comment here because my 93-year-old neighbor, Eric, has ever-so-sweetly chastised me for writing about “naughty things”.
Anyway, Mr McCoy also has in his display a Foot-Operated Breast Enlarger Pump, which he explains was sold for $9.95 in 1976 and had millions of buyers. I am a little puzzled as to why it would be foot operated but I
guess you had to be there when the menfolk were inventing it in the ’70s:
Inventor 1: “Well we could make it hand pumped.”
Inventor 2: “Yes . . . but then women couldn't make the dinner at the same time or toss a man his beer during the football ...”
Inventor 1: (horrified) “Dear god, NO! All right, think, THINK ...”
Also in the museum is the MacGregor Rejuvenator which supposedly reversed the ageing process when a person stepped inside of it. The inventor is probably long dead. (Presumably from old age.)
If you think people should get their heads examined for coming up with some of these ideas, they have. The most popular display is the phrenology machine, a salon hair-dryer-like contraption that “reads” a person's skull.
“The machine measures the shape of your head and prints out a paper tape that tells your personality,” says Mr McCoy.
Er, um ... yes. And if you believe that you'll believe there's a brothel madam running for state politics. Oh, right. Never mind.
Next week: the Museum of Tupperware, where we answer that burning question - why is this cause for a party, again?
Hey, I wonder if there's a grant in that?
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 22 AUG 2000.