CLOTHES are getting more intelligent. I used to think this was just
my imagination - the way perfectly adorable garments urged you to try them
on and then seemed to snigger at you from the change-room mirror when you
took on the shape of a boa constrictor swallowing a motor home. A
coincidence? Hmmm ...
It's not that I am so paranoid as to believe my gym socks might sit
up and quote French philosopher Descartes: “I think, therefore I am.” As
if I'd think that. Everyone knows gym socks don't know French. (Italian,
however ...)
Nonetheless, I read that Belgian company Starlab has been
investigating smart clothes, thanks to founder Walter Van De Velde, formerly
the co-director of the artificial intelligence unit at Brussels University.
Starlab looks at everything from clothes that tell you when your wallet has
been stolen (hey, if they were so darned smart they'd have stopped it being
stolen in the first place), to reminding you of forgotten keys (smart
alecs), and counting your pulse rate and e-mailing it to the gym before you
get back from your jog. (Now that's just pure fascism. Like we want the gym
knowing we only walked up that hill?)
Frankly, the most I have ever expected from my clothing is
that it stays, well, on. Fasteners fastened, belts buckled and me not
turning blue is an unqualified success. But not content, the Starlab mob,
who have NASA funding, have not stopped there. Why have your smart clothes
merely smart, when they can be impractical, too?
Mr Van De Velde has told Reuters: “I like the idea of clothing as memory, which accumulates part of the impression of the place you are staying, say, on holiday. It would record the freshness of the air, the background noise. It would take
snapshots like a tourist.” (Er, does that mean badly and out of focus?)
He even suggests “sound perfume” - heat sensors which would pick
up the wearer's mood, detecting panic or embarrassment, and play music via
small speakers to match it. Gee, like you'd really want speakers screaming to the world that you're humiliated, as your undies arc up Ride of the Valkyries ?
“In the long term,” Mr Van De Velde says, “we are looking to
integrate computing capabilities into the fabric and fibres themselves. The
way the threads are woven would create different circuits.”
They are looking at ways to “charge” these fibres, such as using
washing powder to deposit a conductor, which would start generating power
when it was exposed to light.
Oh great - once you give your clothing an external power source, we
all know where that leads ... Insert strains of the 2001: A Space Odyssey
theme overhead:
“Open the tie now, please, Hal.”
“I'm sorry, Dave. (Ominous pause.) I can't do that.”
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 23 JAN 2001