Why do men really exist?
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
IN Britain they muse on many interesting things: the dud-ness of
their Millennial Dome, the odd popularity of the barely coherent Hugh Grant, and, of course, why men exist. Yes, they actually ponder this last point.
Now I know what you're thinking: I already know why men exist - to
make exceedingly loud noises involving their backsides and armpits to endlessly amuse little children, and their mate, Stevo. This is the law of nature.
Or so one might think.
But British research, reported by AFP, offers another reason. You
see, some scientists thought that asexual species should, in theory, be romping up the evolutionary scale because only one parent is needed to reproduce.
And with the asexual animals you don't need a complex mating ritual, involving pick-up lines like: “Hey, nice dress, it'd look great on my floor”, to attempt to get reproduction underway (not that this line would help in any event).
Given every asexual animal could be a “mother”, it would seem they
should have birth rates to terrify rabbits. By contrast, sexual species need both genders to reproduce, and so we start in a weaker position numerically, say biologists at Britain's University of Southampton in Nature journal.
“Only the females can have offspring, which means that the man is
wasted, a ‘cost’ in terms of the species’ propagation,” they write.
They then ask, “why do men exist?”
While this is a question that has troubled a number of women for
years during footy season, a better question might be why the sexual species rule the animal roost.
Before I reveal the experts’ answer, I have my own theories. It
seems clear that the thrill of the chase would be more interesting to the average woman than staying home at night and impregnating herself. If you're asexual, you'd be always saying, “hmmm what to do tonight ... wash hair, knock myself up, wash hair ...? Hey, pass the shampoo.”
Secondly, with our biological imperative to go forth and multiply,
humans become creative and invent really useful things to help the process.
Thus we have The Limbo, happy hour and car backseats. Having invented cars, humans can hoon out on the high road and turn asexual critters into roadkill.
Which is why I believe we remain No 1 on the evolutionary scale.
However, the esteemed biologists have a different theory. They conclude that asexual creatures tend to be more a clone of their parent and are riven by competition. They are less adaptable, and thus at a disadvantage if the environment becomes unstable. (This is unlike our sexual species, which has grown used to changing landscapes due to waking up in the gutter of a new suburb every Sunday morning.)
The experts conclude: “Males are less costly to species with high
growth capacities.”
And so there you have it: men exist to not have babies and not add
to overcrowding.
You don't say? Well don't feel badly, chaps. I reckon Stevo
appreciates you.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 21 MAR 2000.