Masterminding grey areas
By Sheryl-Lee Kerr
FOR too long, I have neglected the important area of OBR (Obscure Brain Research) from my columns. I figured we first needed sufficient time to recover from the curiously addling effects of the song There's Only One Tony Lockett.
But now I bring you news of “How to grow a new brain” in order to fix the old one. This is a real, honest-to-God project.
Yes, scientists are hard at work researching growing replacement parts for broken brains.
A recent Associated Press story informs that the end goal is they'll be able to brew a batch of grey matter, drill a hole in the skull, put in the new stuff, wire it up like the original. “Voila! New brains.”
That's the plan, anyway. Dr Jeffrey Macklis, of Children's Hospital and Harvard Medical School in Boston, says: “Ten years ago, this would have been considered totally crazy. Five years ago, it would have been a little bonkers.”
Five minutes ago, too.
Still just think of the potential ... We could help people with
impaired brain function like Ronald Reagan, Jeffrey Archer and the makers of the “done deal” car commercial.
Star Trek fans may be convinced this work has already been covered in the show's groundbreaking 1960s episode Spock's Brain, which finally answered the question of how far you can stretch a $12 budget while still, with a straight face, calling it a TV show. To recap, Spock's brain is stolen and Kirk finds the brain calling to him from a giant jam jar.
Mmm. They don't write ’em like that any more.
Nonetheless, actual scientists have long been doing things to brains that would make the CIA jealous. However, research today is not nearly so ambitious as it once was. A colleague recalls that, back in the 1970s, one scientist was involved in the development of transplant technology.
But instead of transplanting a brain, he decided to transplant the entire head of a monkey to another body (possibly a dog, the memory is hazy). The hybrid critter lived for several hours.
The scientist was absolutely furious to discover that his glorious
experiment was discontinued because of ethical considerations.
Spoilsports. The public can be so durned fickle sometimes.
At least his work did not go unnoticed: I am fairly sure I saw it
crop up again as the basis of a plot on South Park.
* WARNING: Boys and girls, don't try melding your pets or siblings at home without parental supervision.
© Sheryl-Lee Kerr & The Advertiser, 30 NOV 1999.